Birth Story - Part 4
The next morning came too quickly. I was wide awake at 4am and just wanted to hold my baby. I couldn’t put him down even for a second. There were a lot of people in and out of our room that day to check on us…nurses, hospital staff, but I did my best to enjoy every minute with you. Wonderful Nurse M brought the sweetest gowns that were handmade by a local ministry. We picked one out for our Liam. I’ve dreamed my whole life about outfits that my babies would wear….never did I think I would have to pick out this one. The last gown I would ever get to put on my baby boy.
That afternoon our families said their goodbyes. The hardest part of this entire journey by far started here. I’ve known this day and moment were coming, but nothing can ever ever prepare you. I didn’t know what it would feel like all of these months. An out of body experience. The word Heartbreak doesn’t even cover it.
It was just the 3 of us again. Keith and I took an hour to love pray, cuddle, cry with our Liam. The last time in our arms. Liam and mommy took alone time. I cried out to God for a sign. A sign that Liam is okay. A sign that we can do this. A sign that I could survive this pain. Strength when I physically couldn’t move. I told him everything my heart needed to tell him. I could tell him how much I loved him every second for the rest of my life and it would never explain the amount of love. Liam and daddy took their time too. We did our best to tell him everything our heart needed to and how he changed us forever. I knew you had already been in heaven for more than 24 hours, but this goodbye broke me. I didn’t want to leave your precious earthly body. We prayed one last time and come thou fount played again. The same song playing when you made your arrival. Nurse M came in. I knew we had to do it or I never could. I couldn’t breathe. It’s more awful and heart wrenching than one could ever imagine. Leaving the hospital was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and probably ever will. The walk me and my baby boy had done for months together. This was my first time without you. The nurse said I had to be wheeled out. It was protocol. I refused strongly. I wasn’t leaving with a baby… I would do that when I was. For some reason, this was important to me. I needed to walk out hand in hand with my husband. If I passed out or fell, I wouldn’t care. Physically I was in a lot of pain, but that was nothing compared to my heart. Shattered, devastated, I couldn’t breathe.
We lost our baby, but it feels like we have lost someone we have known for a lifetime. The pain is deep, but I am so thankful Jesus gave us time to learn who our beautiful Liam is. Memories to last a lifetime. The strongest baby with the most beautiful, pure heart there ever was. I can’t and would never want to imagine my life without being his mommy.
Again I prayed for comfort. I prayed for a sign. Nurse C, who gave us our strength and encouragement during labor, came to see us. She wasn’t scheduled. She just wanted to see us one more time before we left. She told us that last night she had already asked her husband to turn her Liam strong bracelet into a charm for her nurse badge. She wanted it to be with her every day at the hospital. My heart smiled. Liam’s life mattered so much and impacted so many in 8 months. A friend sent us this quote recently……“Remember the significance of one’s life is not measured by the length of time but rather by the impact his or her life has on others.” I wish my baby didn’t have to be the one that made his impact by leaving this earth too soon, but I sure am the proudest mama in the world to call this miracle mine. This loss is great, but my hope is greater.
As we drove out of the hospital, I had forgotten for a few days that there was this whole outside world. It felt so dark and awful. Thank Jesus my baby doesn’t ever have to feel that. It doesn’t make me grieve him any less, but as his mom I want him protected. It is the only place that can protect him in every way. If I could pick anyone to know only love and joy it would be my son. My perfect beautiful and pure baby boy. I just can’t wait to be with him in heaven. I long for it so badly.
If you have read this far into our story, thank you. Thank you for reading about our Liam. I know it is sad and hard. It isn’t supposed to be like this. It is absolutely heartbreaking, but it is ALSO the hopeful thing. The lord has used Liam and so many others stories to let us know that this world and pain are temporary. What is promised to us is far more beautiful and joyful. This loss is not what he wanted for me or my family. THAT is one of the millions reasons why he WILLINGLY sacrificed his only son so that we could have the ultimate gift. There will be full and complete REDEMPTION when my baby is in my arms again. That gift is available to you too.