Birth Story - Part 3
Dr. Mac handed you off quickly to Nurse M. She swaddled you and put you on my chest. We were officially a family of 3. I was overwhelmed with so much gratitude. Every fear and worry over the last 8 months disappeared. I burst into tears over and over, saying: “I’m your mommy, and I love you more than anything.” I couldn’t tell him enough. It’s all I could say as I kept kissing his perfect, beautiful face. The love we had for our baby boy was overwhelming. We just wanted him to know that he was the best thing to ever happen to us and that he was and will forever be the best part of our family. In those moments, all I felt was joy….no sadness, no pain. Dr. Mac continued to care for me and stitch me up. I didn’t care. I could have stayed in that hospital bed for a lifetime. I had you in my arms, and that was all that mattered. I was the proudest mommy in the world to call him mine. The delivery room was so holy, and everyone was still in tears. Each nurse came up to me and said something so kind about my little family. Sweet Nurse C got me through the pushing with Keith on the other side. Dr. Mac was a rockstar. No DNC was needed. Nurse M was caring for my precious baby. I trusted everyone fully. Jesus had given me miracle workers.
9 minutes after you arrived, you took your last breath so peacefully. Jesus was everywhere. He was caring for me and Daddy’s hearts, all the while rejoicing and welcoming you through the golden gates. Our sweet friend and photographer sent me this a few days after……”And it was in that moment, the song “Goodness of God” was playing, I was worshiping and I felt like the Holy Spirit gave me a glimpse into Heaven to see what Jesus was feeling. I felt as if I was seeing something split.” My Liam gained his wings and flew. What a beautiful and peaceful picture. My baby healed and whole in the arms of my Jesus. I wish we could have gone with you. We are jealous of where you are, but we know it is not our time. God has us here to share your story and carry your legacy. I find great joy in knowing my purpose on this earth.
The rest of the day was spent with our Liam. I just held him and studied every inch. He looked just like Keith. He had his Mommy’s ears and eyebrows, but everything else was Daddy’s. Daddy loved holding you. I was so proud to see the 2 of you together. I tried not to think about all of the things y’all would have done together in this world. My heart knows you are where you need to be, but it hurts so deeply. After a couple of hours, we were taken to a recovery room with you. I beamed with pride getting to hold you as they wheeled me through the hospital. For a moment, it felt like you were here to stay and that everything was as it should be.
Our families came in and met you. They instantly fell in love. Your beauty and sweetness overwhelmed each of them. We all are just obsessed with you. They took turns holding you. Liam has the best family, who loves him immeasurably. That afternoon, I just kept thinking about how I would do anything in the entire world for you. As hard as this road has been, I would do it over and over for you to be my baby boy. I know giving you up to the most perfect place is the most selfless thing I could ever do…giving you to a perfect father in eternity filled with only joy and life. A place that can heal your precious body so you can run and play. My son, you deserve that. I wish I could give that to you, but Jesus will. He will give you everything.
The nurses loved meeting you and couldn’t stop talking about how beautiful you were. Nurse H said to us, “Every time I come in, you are just smiling and listening to worship music. I couldn’t do this.” The truth is that holding you takes all the pain away. I’m just so overjoyed to be your mommy. I have never felt more myself than when I'm holding you, Liam. You did that. You complete me and fill my heart more than you could ever know. I knew this strength would be ripped out from me when the goodbye was made permanent….but today, I wanted nothing but joyful memories. I needed my one day.
Dr. Mac came in to check on us. I remember looking at him and saying, “How am I supposed to leave him here? I physically cannot do it.” I let the moment pass and told myself to get it together. I was so excited to dress you. Something I had been dreaming about doing for months. Daddy and I gave you your first bath. It was the sweetest moment getting to care for you. We were so gentle… we loved every single thing about you. We put our favorite baby lotion on you. We wanted you to have a scent that we could remember forever. I swaddled you so many times with the blankets we had bought for you. I changed your outfit a few times. We brushed your beautiful dark hair after washing it. We filled out your baby blue bible. A lifetime of love packed into not enough time. It would never be enough time.
We snuggled as a family of 3 in that bed that night. It was just the sweetest and most perfect day as a family of 3 that I never wanted to end. I wanted every day to be this special, but I knew it couldn’t be.
To be continued…..