Lifelong Journey
Today I had my postpartum appointment.
I knew this was around the corner, but how was I supposed to prepare for this? How would I return to the place that I had to leave my baby? When I left the hospital, I had to leave my entire heart there that day. No mom should ever walk in to the hospital with their baby and have to leave without them. It was the hardest walk of my life. An out of body experience. I had spent so much time at this hospital with Liam for 8 months. This was my first time without him and it was as hard as it sounds. If I didn’t love and trust my doctor so much, I couldn’t have done it. I honestly wouldn’t have done it.
I sat in the lobby without my bump, without a newborn in a stroller. I was called into the back and thankfully the nurse was warned of our situation. She asked me what we named our baby. It meant the world, but as soon as I said my sweet baby’s name, I lost it. He should be here. I should be holding him as she measures my blood pressure, as she asks me postpartum questions. I still question how this could be happening to me. This is not a year long journey, it is life long. Even down the road, when Lord willing, I have other babies, I will constantly think “Liam should be here, this isn’t the same without Liam.” He is and always will be the big brother to our family. Our family will never be complete on this earth… It is beyond heartbreaking and truthfully, just not fair. I so long for the day that we are all together in heaven. BUT our family has learned and is learning so much. Our family is and will be so much greater. Our faith is stronger than ever before. We love and care so deeply…. for each other, for others. Heaven used to be something I didn’t think about much and now I think about it multiple times a day. I find myself looking up, wondering what Liam is doing. For the rest of my life, I know I will constantly be looking up. I find so much comfort knowing he is in the greatest of hands. Every day is a perfect day for him.…so even though my day was far from perfect, I can have joy knowing that my baby had a perfect day. I am living for heaven truly for the first time. I am one day closer to having him in my arms again.
If you know someone who is walking this road- please reach out to them. Send them a text, a card, drop off a happy. Even if their loss was years ago, I can promise you they are still grieving and still “looking up.”