post partum

2 weeks without you and I miss you more and love you more every day. There are days and moments where I don’t understand why you had to leave us. I had been preparing my heart to lose you, but nothing could have prepared me. To me, you looked perfect. So pure. I didn’t see sickness. I didn’t see a defect. I just saw my beautiful precious Liam. You were the closest to heaven I’ve ever felt. Pure perfection. Once you’ve had a glimpse of that, the rest of the world seems so dark. So daunting. I have been struggling with separation anxiety. Waking up in a panic and holding my belly to remember that your heart isn’t beating with mine anymore. And there’s not a baby swaddled in a crib. Sadly, this is just the honest truth. Ive never experienced this level of grief. 2 days after birth, late at night, my milk came in. Being real here, I woke up the next morning swollen and in so much pain. A physical reminder that this isn’t normal. Not how God intended. A painful reminder that this world is broken. My body and my heart just want to care for a newborn baby. Unless you’ve been here, you can’t understand or even begin to imagine. The best you can do for those walking through grief is to pray and love. hard. This grief is not natural. It’s not how God intended things. There is no “perfect” way to grieve. I’m figuring it out day by day, minute by minute. When I feel like I can’t handle my pain anymore, I remember that my baby boy is perfect. He’s thriving where he is and as a mom, that’s all I could ask for. That’s where I find my peace right now. And as Liam’s story continues to be written, I know I will continue to find more peace.

Liam has taught me how to live heaven minded. The joys of this earth can’t even compare to everlasting joy. This world will leave you broken, but heaven makes everything whole again. That’s my prayer for you too if you are in a season of brokenness.