that was supposed to be me
About a week after finding out Liam’s diagnosis, Keith and I decided to go to the beach for a getaway. We needed to get away to pray, process, and feel hopeful. I cried the whole way down. I didn’t know if it was the worst idea to leave the safety of my home, but I was going to try with everything in me to enjoy the trip.
Friday morning we went to get coffee and as soon we sat down, a beautiful family sat down next to us with a new baby boy. They were a young couple with their beautiful firstborn. They had the stroller that was on my wishlist. The baby was dressed in an outfit that I would have picked out for my Liam. Everything that I wanted in one single moment. I fought tears for about 60 seconds before they just started flowing. “That was supposed to be me. God, where are you. I need you and your strength now. Is this my new normal? Every time I’m in public am I just going to lose it?” The deepest heart ache I could ever feel. My dreams were all coming crashing down and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I just want it all to go away and not be true.
Keith picked me up, we quickly left the restaurant and he just held me as I cried out every tear. He said “Are we going to trust him like we have always said we would?” It is so easy to have faith and say we believe he is good when life is going great. Or honestly, even when life is just okay. I responded with a hesitant “Yes, I really want to. I have to trust him. He’s the only hope we could have in this heartbreak.”
There was no hope in sight with Liam’s diagnosis, but I knew that my daily fight would be to trust God. Even when I felt like I was drowning. He hadn’t left me yet and he wasn’t about to now.
Keith had taken this of me before the family sat down near us. Also, no one told me you burn easier when pregnant. Pro tip- wear the sunscreen!
This was the dress I had ordered for my gender reveal. It didn’t get to be worn then since we had to cancel it, but I’m thankful for this memory. I got to wear it with Liam at the place Keith and I had our rehearsal dinner at the beach.